Infusing: Facebook negativity

So this post is very first world problem.

This morning, as I was taking my breakfast, I was also browsing Facebook (hum, one more bad habit to kill). I ended up on the Facebook page of A., the now husband of one of my UK roommates. He's English and when I got to know my roommate, he was fighting in Afghanistan. I got to know him a bit better later when he spent some time in the house between service. He's an incredibly talented man, doing music and writing, moreover, he's got some kind of gentleness and sweetness about him, he also seems extremely loyal.

Since I left the UK, he and my roommate got married before moving to the US (where my roommate, H., comes from). Of course, I followed them on Facebook, to keep in touch. Well, at least, I tried to stay in touch, posting links on their walls, sending some emails from time to time. They weren't the best to keep in touch. But you know, sometimes, some people are very active on Facebook and end up showing up in your feed very often. So, without even thinking about it, I kept up with their whereabouts and all.

I learnt that A. became a gun instructor, which per se is not the problem, the problem is the attitude he adopted with it. In his eyes he enables people to defend themselves from the outside world, and anyone believing they don't need a gun or gun training are actually living in an utopia and if they don't agree are welcome to "jog the fuck on".

Previously I had been silent at the display of guns every other week (or day) in photos, I mean he's not responsible if the vision of guns make me uneasy, and this despite training I received in the reserve. I'd been quiet about my position about gun control in the US (from Europe, the US seems like a mad place on that issue), despite the way his relations or his wife's reacted to it (hey, I think I should get a concealed gun permit).

Anyways, I took his "jog the fuck off" comment personally. And this is where it begins.

I entered a rant about the fact that guns aren't necessary to defend oneself and can actually worsen a situation. In my annoyance I ended up on a not so nice note asking a question that would confirm his redneckization (or not).

He didn't let it go. Nope. He apparently had been abused in another status which I hadn't seen, and had set some rules (like no political talk), which I didn't know either. He was therefore deeply annoyed and posted two statuses concerning the fact that if you don't like what he became, he'd rather you leave. The thing is he had been quite aggressive in his replies to me (I only posted one comment), and in turn I was hurt.

NE-GA-TI-VI-TY : a reaction

I started it. I decided to post in a "public" space a point of view that would NOT resonate with the addressee. Also I finished my comment on a not so nice note.

I was really angry at him.

For not being able to discuss matters in an adult way

For making me the attraction of his page for the day by making such a big fuss about it

For making such controversial statements and then feel offended if people react

For asking people not to react to his statement when it's just impossible to do so

For assuming the worst of me

I started a private reply which was furious.
Then I paused. I was feeling really terrible. All that bad energy from his friends to me were eating up my self-esteem. Also, I had obviously hurt him deeply, and I felt bad about that.

So, I googled "negativity on Facebook". I found this article . And I followed the steps.

1. It's not about you.

No, I didn't start all of it, and I wasn't at the root of the problem here. I was the ignition. He had expressed controversial views before, without accepting that in his 300 friends there would be some who wouldn't agree and express it, repeatedly.

2. Being defenseless

I was about to reply with a vengeance. But that wouldn't work, it would just feed his anger, and bring more nastiness to me and to him.
Therefore the email I ended up writing was apologetic, but firm. I really didn't want him to feel the way he felt, but neither did I deserve his hatred.

3. Forgive and delete

That's the most difficult!
I offered to break the "friendship" (more of a contact now really), in a civil manner. He deletes the 3 pics he's got of me in his albums, and we delete each other from our list, and effectively from our life. I'm great and he never really got to know me despite my efforts (the same goes for his wife).

You have to know I deal everyday with this kind of pettiness at work, as a teacher. I was quite ashamed to be in the center of such a mess today, and I had really strong feelings about it.

The lessons

1. Don't start.

It took a lot to me to finally send a peaceful email. I'd have preferred not have to send one. It made me practice humility, so it's good, but I should have practice peace in the first place.