A look over my shoulder : 2013

I've been in quite of a rut in 2013, I started it full of good intentions but wasn't able to focus my attention on ONE thing. 

I wanted to pursue everything at once.

As a result I became pretty unhappy with myself as, somehow, I couldn't shake out the ill start of the year.

There is another reason why 2013 was hard on me, it's the year I realized there was something missing in my relationship. I was in denial about it, and went to a therapist to understand why, oh why couldn't I enjoy our everyday life instead of grieving for the fact my boyfriend didn't want commit to long term goals despite his assurance he didn't envision life without me. We were disagreeing about the if and when of having a family. This is not resolved but my approach to it is much clearer.

Despite the inside maelstrom  2013 was also a year for travel and comfort. Here are the two things I'll remember and be grateful for 2013 :

We went to Japan !

More of better quality photographs to come from our travel.

I finally got a job in my hometown!

I'm teaching English and French as a qualified teacher in my hometown. This is a great privilege, doing what you're good at and where you want to do it.

Well, hello there 2014

I'm so glad to see 2014 !

Facebook negativity

So this post is very first world problem. 

This morning, as I was taking my breakfast, I was also browsing Facebook (hum, one more bad habit to kill). I ended up on the Facebook page of A., the now husband of one of my UK roommates. He's English and when I got to know my roommate, he was fighting in Afghanistan. I got to know him a bit better later when he spent some time in the house between service. He's an incredibly talented man, doing music and writing, moreover, he's got some kind of gentleness and sweetness about him, he also seems extremely loyal.

Since I left the UK, he and my roommate got married before moving to the US (where my roommate, H., comes from). Of course, I followed them on Facebook, to keep in touch. Well, at least, I tried to stay in touch, posting links  on their walls, sending some emails from time to time. They weren't the best to keep in touch. But you know, sometimes, some people are very active on Facebook and end up showing up in your feed very often. So, without even thinking about it, I kept up with their whereabouts and all. 

I learnt that A. became a gun instructor, which per se is not the problem, the problem is the attitude he adopted with it. In his eyes he enables people to defend themselves from the outside world, and anyone believing they don't need a gun or gun training are actually living in an utopia and if they don't agree are welcome to "jog the fuck on".

Previously I had been silent at the display of guns every other week (or day) in photos, I mean he's not responsible if the vision of guns make me uneasy, and this despite training I received in the reserve. I'd been quiet about my position about gun control in the US (from Europe, the US seems like a mad place on that issue), despite the way his relations or his wife's reacted to it (hey, I think I should get a concealed gun permit).

Anyways, I took his "jog the fuck off" comment personally. And this is where it begins. 

I entered a rant about the fact that guns aren't necessary to defend oneself and can actually worsen a situation. In my annoyance I ended up on a not so nice note asking a question that would confirm his redneckization (or not).

He didn't let it go. Nope. He apparently had been abused in another status which I hadn't seen, and had set some rules (like no political talk), which I didn't know either. He was therefore deeply annoyed and posted two statuses concerning the fact that if you don't like what he became, he'd rather you leave. The thing is he had been quite aggressive in his replies to me (I only posted one comment), and in turn I was hurt.

NE-GA-TI-VI-TY : a reaction

I started it. I decided to post in a "public" space a point of view that would NOT resonate with the addressee. Also I finished my comment on a not so nice note.

I was really angry at him. 

For not being able to discuss matters in an adult way

For making me the attraction of his page for the day by making such a big fuss about it

For making such controversial statements and then feel offended if people react

For asking people not to react to his statement when it's just impossible to do so

For assuming the worst of me

I started a private reply which was furious.
Then I paused. I was feeling really terrible. All that bad energy from his friends to me were eating up my self-esteem. Also, I had obviously hurt him deeply, and I felt bad about that.

So, I googled "negativity on Facebook". I found this article . And I followed the steps.

1. It's not about you. 

No, I didn't start all of it, and I wasn't at the root of the problem here. I was the ignition. He had expressed controversial views before, without accepting that in his 300 friends there would be some who wouldn't agree and express it, repeatedly.

2. Being defenseless

I was about to reply with a vengeance. But that wouldn't work, it would just feed his anger, and bring more nastiness to me and to him.
Therefore the email I ended up writing was apologetic, but firm. I really didn't want him to feel the way he felt, but neither did I deserve his hatred.

3. Forgive and delete

That's the most difficult!
I offered to break the "friendship" (more of a contact now really), in a civil manner. He deletes the 3 pics he's got of me in his albums, and we delete each other from our list, and effectively from our life. I'm great and he never really got to know me despite my efforts (the same goes for his wife).

You have to know I deal everyday with this kind of pettiness at work, as a teacher. I was quite ashamed to be in the center of such a mess today, and I had really strong feelings about it.

The lessons

1. Don't start. 

It took a lot to me to finally send a peaceful email. I'd have preferred not have to send one. It made me practice humility, so it's good, but I should have practice peace in the first place.

2. I must delete people who don't deserve me really, don't inspire me and just make me feel ill-at-ease. 

Even if it'd be great to visit their home country and crash their couch.

3. I understand my pupils better.

Mood for change

This is the blog for change.And while there are changes there are imperfections, so that's why this post is short (or long depending on how you see it) and not really the manifesto I expected to write. 

I just hope I'll be able to put my life in writing, photos, and videos. For that, I do need the appeal of a readership, unable to will and do them (the words, the photographs) just for myself. You're my motivation, readers, whether I know you or not. 

My secondary motivation is the possibility to some day print out the blog, in a year's time maybe? and see what's been experienced, attempted and hopefully accomplished. 

Blogs have been an inspiration, but also big time wasters. I figure, if I'm the one writing, I'll inspire myself and nourish myself instead of this state of life-anorexia, where I look at others' adventures without going on my own as often as I could. 

And adventures I know. I faced some of the fears and highs of the first world adventurers. Indeed my dear, you guessed well : 

• I lived abroad, without a plan! 
• I left my university without getting a job and had to rely on the kindness of strangers (well, I knew him and we lived together, sooooo, he wasn't that much of a stranger after all).  
• I then ended a relationship in my mid twenties although the hormones started kicking in and that I wanted to have a baby and a house and a marriage. 
• Instead I ditched all that and went back to live to my parents. 
• I pursued education while working. 
• I finally reached the Holy Grail of a stable job (almost a dream job) when I got my teachers' qualification (if you know what it entails in France you look at me in awe). 
• And now, now, there's the existential crisis pre-30th, well, 29th birthday (the worst innit?!). So my all body is under scrutiny, my relationship too, my spirituality is trying to take over my cartesian mind.
• Moreover : I'm discovering I'm not that special, without any great skills mastered. Not even eating food with my feet. Which was on my "25 before 25" list, and has never been crossed. I don't even know how to use the fancy coffee maker in the kitchen ! 

So you see, it was time to take action. Starting a blog is one. Let's see the others.